Friday, 12 October 2007

Jokes Jokes and more Jokes.

Some of these are funny. I decided that I am carrying way too much negative energy around and need to lighten up a bit.

Top ten reasons to become a nurse:

Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
Needles: "Tis better to give then receive"
Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops...eventually.
Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
Interesting aromas.
Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
Celebrate all the holidays with your friends- at work.
Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

You know you're a nurse if...

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.
You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.
Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.
You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.
Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.
When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your shoes.
Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.
You carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.
You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flash backs."
You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.
You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.
Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
You can intubate your friends at parties.
You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.
You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."
You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.
Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.
When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.
You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.
You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.

3 Nurses and a Wish

A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewlery.

"I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me coccoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.

"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.

The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
" She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours.
She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
" Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Murphy's Law for Nurses:

You can please some of the patients all of the time, and all of the patients some of the time, but you just can’t please the family.

Management truly believes you are overpaid. But would never work for what they pay you.

People farthest from your work area are the least needy - and least afraid of pushing the nurse call. Invariably.

The more minor the injury, the more angry that person is for having to wait. While the little old guy with crushing chest pain says, "Oh, it's ok, I've waited this long already..."

Your patient is finally absorbing their NG feed after days of aspirating - but they pull the tube out just before the consultant does his ward round.

The number of staff to be found on the ward is inversely proportional to the scale of the emergency.

You've just given a patient a meal - pie, roast potatoes and a sponge pudding with custard - when the consultant says they're ready for the operation.

A very healthy patient, when admitted to a very small room, will require a vent, a cooling blanket, hemofilter, six pumps and a digital television before the end of your shift, requiring you to climb over the bed to get out of the room.

The hospital always sends admissions to your nursing home at change of shift on your weekend on - the physician's weekend off.

The lift always breaks down when the 400 pound patient needs to be transferred from one bed to another.

You tell your patient, "If you need anything at all, just push the button and I'll be there". She smiles and says she's "Fine, thank you nurse."
The next morning she complains to the physician, "No one came near me all night and I couldn't sleep, because I was in agony."

In a life threatening emergency, the speed of the doctor's response is inversely proportional to the speed of the patient's decline.

More Here:


Nursing Student said...

You post puts me in mind of a conversation I once had on a ward. Another nurse was saying how "Working in the NHS is a joke"
I said "Whats the punchline?"
"Punchline? Sadly, there is no punchline".

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