As many of you may know, NHS District General Hospital is experiencing layoffs and financial problems. We can't possibly be expected to stop hiring managers and paying them huge bonuses. And cutting trained nursing staff , doctors and other frontline clinicians to the very bone isn't making us enough money. All Staff that haven't been made reduntant and dicked out of redundancy pay please read the following memo:
To: All Hospital Staff
Subject: Cost-Cutting Measures
Effective August 5, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each consultant will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in Theatre . In addition to routine medical duties, consultants will rotate through the car park and entrances. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, the ICU will now take over surveillance duties.
Housekeeping and physiotherapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their parking fees.
Ward clerks and secretaries will be assuming groundskeeping duties. If they cannot be reached at his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, or hedge clipper.
Due to cutbacks in phlebotomy and laboratory staff, a policy has been developed that blood tests be performed only on patients who are currently bleeding.
The Radiology staff is being reduced and physicians are informed that they may order no more than 2 X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Boot's photo lab.
In addition to the overall recycling program, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded food products. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for the production of antibiotics. Additionally, maggot infestation of the compost will be encouraged in an attempt to develop alternative approaches to wound care that don't involve time-consuming dressing changes that require RN's..
All staff will be issued with the uniforms of a Registered Nurse to ensure that each ward/department appears to have at least one RN on duty. The general public will always assume that any member of staff caring for patients is a Nurse. We will continue to capitalise on their stupidity.
Family members will be encouraged to scream and yell at harried frontline staff and pull them away from trying to keep patients alive rather than talk to someone who actually has the power to elicit change.
This will save money in the complaints department and prevent expensive delayed discharges and bed blockers. PALS is being combined with catering and they will be too busy making sandwiches to listen to complaints.
We will continue to enocurage the public to directly sue doctors and nurses rather than go after managers who put professional clinicians in situations where they cannot function.
The dieticans will now combine with morgue staff. By the time the lone hospital dietican makes his way to malnourished patients who cannot take regular food and require supplements, the patients will be dead.
All visitors and patients will be issued with at least 2 copies of the Daily Mail each day. This is to ensure that they continue to accuse overburdened overworked and underpaid frontline doctors and nurses of being "overpaid, lazy, and uncaring" rather than blaming managment for lapses in care. We have lifestyles to maintain.
Pharmacy will open for one hour on a Wednesday morning rather than just regular M-F office hours. And they will still expect the Doctors and Nurses to abandon patients in order to bend over backwards for them because pharmacy staff is so "busy".
IV tubing lines are now good for 600 hours. If you change the line before this you will be sacked for not being cost conscious. If your patient gets septicemia as a result of bacteria breeding like Brangelina on said IV tubing you will be sacked. You will then be replaced with a Patient journey flow discharge liason champion coordinator. We have mistresses that require jobs with six figure annual incomes you know.
Any questions please contact someone else.
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Memo from Management to all Hospital Staff.
This was originally done by an American Nurse. I sexed it up a bit to make it a bit more British. Had to leave in the bit about the guns however.