The Stupid Things They Say

Here are some authentic quotes from hospital managers and chiefs, family members, doctors etc etc for your entertainment:

1. "Why do you need any more than 2 qualified Nurses on a 35 bedded ward?  Two Nurses and two untrained ward assistants should be plenty".......said by my Chief Nurse who hasn't worked on a ward since John Lennon walked the earth. Is this what she is telling management?  The cow.


2. "I don't want to hear any more whinging from you Nurses about protected mealtimes.  If you get interrupted by doctors during that 15 minute window that you get to feed patients then stop feeding the patients.  If I were a patient I would rather the Nurse attend ward rounds with the doctor and get me discharged rather than hand out meals"..............................Another Nurse leader from my hospital who is older than the hills and last did ward nursing in the 80's. She seems to miss the point that it is wrong to starve one dependent person in order to get healthy patients' discharge paper work in order.  And they say that younger Nurses are the problem.


3. "Audits are basic nursing care in my book. Deal with it"........said by a medical manager when he was told by ward sisters that their are not enough Nurses to care for patients basic needs on general wards....................... let alone fill in time consuming audits for him. Hell, we can't even keep these people alive in the time we have when we ignore the form filing.

4. "Why do you need a second Nurse for your 30 bedded ward when I have already sent you two untrained  16 year old ward assistants who have never been to nursing school to help staff your ward for the shift?  Deal with it and cope.  AND we are sending you 6 admissions and don't give me that shit about not being able to handle the patients you all ready have"..............................................Bed Manager.

5."If the phone is ringing and you are busy don't answer it" ........said by a high level and as old as Moses Clinical Nurse Manager when she was told that we need a ward clerk because a Nurse cannot take time to answer the phone every 30 seconds.  This is especially true when we are the only qualified nurse on duty  and trying to stay on top of doctors orders and keep patients alive. Sounded sensible until:

6. " And if I hear one more complaint for a relative who phones up here to enquire about their family member because the Nurses aren't answering the phone right away there will be a disciplinary"........said by same manager on another occasion when we told her that the only RN on duty cannot spend 55 minutes out of every hour answering the phone without harming patients.  Then it gets worse.

7..  "The idea of a 30 bed ward needing a ward clerk to answer the phone for the Nurse is ridiculous.  The Nurses can do that.  We are not paying for a ward clerk" ...said by same manager after a patient nearly died of a major  error because a Nurse was on duty alone and trying to answer a phone that never stopped ringing rather than concentrating on her job.  We (with the support of a medical consultant) were begging for a ward clerk. Again.

*update, they gave us two part time clerks dressed in scrubs who sit in front of the nurse's station painting their nails and telling dirty stories. They only work 4 hours a day. Part timers from the job centre.  They don't answer the phone either.
8. "I don't know anything about a staffing problem with Nurses. "............said by our Chief executive publicly one year and 147 short staffing incident forms after I started this blog and 1 day after the press picked up on what is going on here.  It was a few months after the recruitment freeze on Nurses and the hiring drive for untrained ward assistants on minimum wage instead.

9. " Untrained Care assistants are Nurses too and as long as they are there you are not short staffed"............said by Chief Nurse (ancient trained) after I complained about being the only trained nurse for 20 patients with no one to help but a 17 year old child ward assistant who has never even thought about attending nursing school or any kind of training.  That shift was so bad.  Half of those patients didn't have life saving orders given by doctors implemented that shift because I was overwhelmed.  And I ran my ass off for 12 hours non stop.  Not one cup of tea, not one pee break. Got screamed at by consultants for stuff not being done too.  Thanks for your support and understanding, asshole.

10. "The Nurses aren't taking care of my gran" and "The Nurses don't bother to answer the phone"....said by an idiot relative who likes to call the ward 5 times an hour and get her entire sibling set to do the same.  All 9 of them.  I can either take your idiotic phone calls all the time OR I can see to the patients.  Doing both is physically impossible.

11. "Nurse I need you to stay with me uninterrupted for 10 minutes while I do this procedure. NOW."....said a by a registrar to me, after he showed up on the ward without warning to do a procedure.  This was his greeting. The procedure was routine and non urgent.

12"And just how the fuck do you want me to do that?  I am the only Nurse for 19 patients, 10 of them have family members up my ass and hostile over stupid shit. My patient in 4 has blood shooting out of his mouth and rectum and no IV access, two of my dementia patients are on the floor and one is spreading shit up the wall causing other patients to scream, the detoxer is trying to beat the care assistant with a drip stand, the phone is ringing off the hook.  I have people on 4 hourly IV antibiotics that have been missing doses all day, I have patients who are on IV fluids whose bags have been dry for hours with urinary outputs dropping off and AAU are sending me three admissions.  Oh and there are 3 other doctors here wanting the same thing from me for their patients.  Fuck off out of my way NOW...............said by me to the Registrar in number 10 as I pushed past him and ran to the bleeder.  That was my greeting.


13. We are the real nurses here because we do bed baths.....said by a ward assistant.  The fuck you are.   I have been running my ass off for hours managing hundreds of meds, drips, problems, etc etc while you did a few bedbaths between playing on your mobile and having fag breaks.  Since you are not a nurse you cannot help me with the 6 IV meds due in the next 15 minutes, the phone calls, the orders, the treatments, the assessments, the admits and discharges etc.  Seriously.  Just bite me. 

14. "Tough shit, I only care about my father, your problems are your problems you slag".............said by a visitor after I told her that I could not come right now and fix her dad's blanket because I have a critically ill patient going south with a page and a half of doctor's orders that are complicated and needed to be implemented immediately as in 5 minutes ago.  She had grabbed my arm to ask me to fix her dad's blanket while I was running to the treatment room to get 02 masks and IV fluids.

15. "The treatment of my mother in this place is appalling.  You Nurses are pigs"...............................said by another happy visitor after I told her 24 stone mother that I could not lift her on my own and that I could not get her chocolate from the shop when she has a BM of 22 after insulin and is waiting to see if her legs need chopping off as a result of non compliance with her diabetes care.

16. "My taxes pay your wages"..............and what do my taxes pay for...the fucking boogeyman?  To be honest I don't think your taxes pay for shit. That is why I am working so many unpaid hours and being forced to take on more patients than I can handle while being denied resources.  It is why my workload triples just as I am getting a payfreeze.  We all pay taxes, you are not special. That is why I won't kill one patient to come and deal with your dad's non urgent need right now. Hell, even if your taxes did cover the cost of this shit (and they don't sunshine), I still wouldn't kill one person in order to deal with another's non urgent need.   You see love, missing a doctors order for a fast IV bolus of fluids because I am fluffing daddy's pillow could get a crashing patient killed and me in a whole lot of legal trouble.   You need to sit down and try to behave like a grownup.